(no subject)
Today, I woke up and I love my life. I have thought this several times throughout the day, and I really feel content. I can not complain about anything. Even being single is not something i'm upset about. I love living alone right now. I love my free time, my 4 nights a week with friends. I loved waking up and going to barre class at 8:45 on a Sunday, and not having to worry about a thing. I love hanging out with Jackie. I even loved doing yard work today. I can't explain where this feeling of contentment came from, but I really love it.

A month ago I really started to see the benefit of the way my life has turned out. I am dealing with my own deamons, and doing my best to forgive someone who has really impacted my life. I don't think he ever meant to hurt me, it just happened when he only thought of himself. And I used to replay all of these painful moments over and over and over in my head. And I was just making myself more upset, but it made me want to be with him at the same time. How fucked up is that? But then I realized that it's ok to want it, but know it's not good enough for me. I think one of my favorite books put it best, when it said we accept the love we think we deserve. I am just starting to truley believe I deserve better. And it feels AMAZING! I know in my heart, that something even better is out there for me. And if it's better than what I thought was so fantastic, BETTER than even what I thought was the best thing to ever happen to me, how great will this life be? And why the fuck am I waiting to get it? Why am I messing around pining for something that's dead. Trying to revive a dead love, will not bring it back to life. It will just suck the life out of me. And that used to be so painful to even consider that it was actually dead. But it feels so light, and free right now. It feels like the best weight I've ever taken off of my own shoulders. I have so many possibilities right now, and I'm so excited.

I'm happy to be myself again!

fuck facebook
my father found me on FB today. 30 years and you pick today.

How do you just decide what day you want to enter someones life, fuck with their emotions, write them a message on FB, and then most likely disappear. I bet anything he will never respond to the message I sent him back. and part of me doesn't want him to. part of me wants him to beg to be in my life so he can feel how much it hurts to want something so badly that you can't have.

If he knew the years I spent as a kid waiting for him to call.

How many letters I wrote that had no where to get mailed to.

How many nights I cried because I was broken inside and had no dad to talk to.

I want him to be broken, and not know how to love because he was hurt to badly.

I hate that it's always his choice. That as a child and adult I've never had a choice about talking to him. it's his terms, and his terms only.

I have so much to say, and so much i've buried.

I have no one to talk about this with. I try to talk to my mom, but it's not the same. Troy gets it, but it's not the same.

I don't know what to do

cleaning up
I just cleaned my carpets. They still look like shit. I always ruin nice things.

I went out on a date with a sweet as pie man last night. His name is Dennis and he is cuban. He took me to dinner and a movie, and was a gentleman, and was so awesome. I feel more than a little bad that I kicked him out this morning at 8:30 and told him I had to go meet my mom. But he went willingly, and it wasn't a big deal. I just needed to clean and get stuff done. I have 20 people coming over in two weeks, and my house needs a good clean from top to bottom. I started with the carpet, and now I'm procrastinating moving the furniture to do that last few pieces of filthy white carpet. Seriously. WHO BUYS WHITE CARPET? old people.

I am seeing Dennis again on Wednesday. He is taking me out on another date. I invited him to our friendsgiving party. He sounded excited.

(no subject)
things went from amazing to scary as fuck in the blink of an eye. He is moving in without me saying it's ok. I mean we talked about it a few times, but I meant SOMEDAY. not TODAY. I guess it's my own fault for being so caught up in the moment. But I have barely known him 2 months. I am not ready to give up my life and let him come take over. He has shit all over my house. He has to turn in his car at the end of the lease in a few weeks. He was hinting at using mine. NO FUCKING WAY. I just bought that car, I pay the bill. I'm not sharing. I don't want to share my house. not yet. I want to date. I want to miss him, I want to move slowly like normal ppl do. I have to put the brakes on. I am freaking the fuck out.


getting used to a new relationship.   it's not real.   it feels like you have to teach someone all over again what you like,  What makes you mad, What you want in bed.  they have to get used to your mood swings.   your bad habits, their bad habits.   how often you want to be alone.   how you like your coffee.   it's all so silly and fun but stressful.   I really like him,  and I love his company,  but he wants to move fast.   he already asked me to be serious.  he is talking about living together. .. I'm just so scared.   what if I fuck this up.  


The Harbor
Just got home from Gig Harbor. I spent the weekend with Jacob, again. Last weekend too. And most of the weekend before, but not all. I love spending my whole weekend with him, but it's very difficult to have to count the weekdays until i can see him again.

He is very considerate, sweet, open and intelligent. I feel really comfortable whem i'm with him. And I can finally sleep well next to him. It's so odd at first, sleeping next to someone new. I am positive he had the same problem. But now it just feels nice.

Friday night we stayed the night here at my house. John called me at midnight, and texted me. Jacob and I had just returned from a really great date. We went to dinner and a movie, and I really had a good time with him. He can hold up his part of the conversation so well, I never get bored. Anyway...John called at midnight. And i rejected his call and sent it right to voicemail. So then he texted me. I ignored him. I have no desire to jump when he wants my attention. And I really don't want to talk to him. Just that day he had texted me to say that his dad was in the hospital. I feel very bad for him, but I have no need to help him through his pain. He actively pushed me out of his life, and I want nothing to do with him. I have jacob.

On our date we went to the landing and had pizza and a bucket at the rock. We were laughing and talking and having fun. Jake asked me if I would ever consider moving to issaquah or north bend. Now of course I have already thought of these things, knowing he is trying to buy a house there. It was an amazing feeling to be on a date with a man, who is already letting me know that he wants to include me in his future plans. He didn't say that out right, but obviously he's thought of it.

He was wearing his glasses today, and he was just so sexy. I'm infatuated with this man!

I spent the day with his mother on Saturday, I must like him lol. His mom is great, and it wasn't weird or anything, but I never would have done that with any of the ex's!

my life makes sense
I feel happy all the time. I smile when I'm walking down the street. I sing songs when I have my headphones in and I don't care that I'm in public.

Friday night I went out to the brewery with Jackie and Bill. Bill was an a-hole, as usual. Jackie and Bill had drama. I texted Jacob that I needed him to rescue me. He said come to tacoma, so I did

I got there around 1a.m. He gave me a tour of his place, we talked for like an hour, we started to watch tv and I passed out laying next to him in the bed with my face on his chest. I felt so comfortable. Unbeleivably comfortable, and safe. He didn't try to wake me up, or tell me to move over. He just cuddled with me. All night we touched each other in our sleep. In the morning we laid in bed and watched tv for awhile. Then he made me breakfast. It was maybe the cutest thing I've ever seen. He was showing off his egg flipping skills, and he was really nervous that he made them to my liking. THEN....he asked me if I wanted to go meet his parents. DUN DUN DUN.....

I said yes, but I was super nervous. I shouldn't have been. They were great. Laid back, funny, real people that 3 hours went by in the blink of an eye. While we were there Jacob tried to make me coffee. It was terrible, but he was so awesomely cute that I drank it. He was really trying to impress me, and I let him :) It's been so long since I wanted to be impressed.

I really enjoyed myself. I liked his family, and felt very at ease. They must have liked me, because he has been turning on the charm more than usual since I left there on Saturday. We made plans for Friday night, and my secret plan is that he will stay hopefully Saturday too. This morning he asked me if I would want to go to Whistler December 31 - January 4th. UM YES!!!!

I am so happy. See above.

laying in bed

jacob is sleeping next to me.   I am beyond happy.   we went out for a drink and some food, and we talked.   and I didn't have to hold up the conversation.   it was an actual discussion,  and I loved every minute.   we walked to and from Colombia city,  it was really nice.  we talked about all kinds of things. ... our exes, our jobs,  where we have been,  where we want to go. ...I really had a great time.   we came back here and took a shower.   that seems to be our thing... showering together.  I love it. we layed in bed, talked,  watched tv. great sex.   he has everything.   and the more I get to know,  the more I like.   he is so honest,  and will have an adult conversation.  but he is playful and funny too. I am in head over heels here. .. :))


Jacob texted me today! I swear my heart did little flippy things and I had the biggest grin on my face. I could feel it. LIke a perma grin. It just said "Hi :) It's Jacob. I creeped your number from Jackie :P"

I'm not sure the last time I felt as giddy as I did when I got that text. It was right as I was leaving work. I had a great day at work. I had a great week at work. I really like the ppl there. I really like the atmosphere and the job. I'm so excited about my life right now. I can't even remember the last time I was excited to wake up in the morning! I feel light, happy and positive.

What I want to say, but won't
I hope it makes you feel good inside to ignore someone. I hope the power that you feel gets you through the day. I hope that someday when you need something I can return the favor. I hope that you learn someday how badly it hurts. I hope that you see that I never once ignored you when you reached out. Maybe that is part of my weakness, or maybe that is part of my strength. I was never so shaky in my resolve that I couldn't tell you "no".

I wanted to meet you to say goodbye. To forgive you. Or maybe I'm lying to myself and I just wanted to see you. But I don't think that's it. I think as much as I've ben thinking about you the last weeks, that I am processing. I'm ready to pull my head out of the rainbow and be done.

I was eager to say goodbye. To look you in the eye and know that I was done. I sent you those pictures because I can't handle the burden of having them. I can't be the only one that can accidentally get thrown into a tailspin by clicking the wrong button on my computer. It was too hard . And so I am done.


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