(no subject)
I'm sitting at the viewing of my grandmother. Trying to hold it together.

Well...clearly I have not updated in awhile. So much has changed. AB and I moved out and got an apartment. The thing I thought would never happen, happened. She left Stacey. But the relationship became toxic. It was bad news. Stacey freaked out one day, and I decided I was done. I will not be bullied in my own home. I will not worry about coming home at night and who will be there. So now I don't.

Our apartment is cute and cozy. And yeah, LaToya comes over, and boys come over, and we have a great time. There's no stress. AB is a great roommate!

I'm so much happier.I am enjoying nannying. Anna is a great kid. Laura and Greg are super nice to me. They seem to actually enjoy my being there. I make them dinner every night, and it's so nice to have people appreciate my food again.

Kyle is a dud. Done and over with. The lack of being able to do anything remotely emotional even so early on is crazy. How did he make it to 36, and raise a daughter and he can't even tell a girl he likes her. ugh

We had an ugly sweater party for AB's birthday, and I asked Kyle to come. He did, and then he said I didn't do myself any favors by "making" him come. He said it was disgusting. He also then told me that he won't have time to see me until mid-January. Ok. well...two strikes in one conversation and needless to say my feelings were pretty hurt. I've put so much effort into this guy. Waiting for him, and getting my feelings hurt. Trying to talk to him about connection and anything remotely in teh future (like planning a date a week away) and nothing. So the emotionally stunted man can go fuck himself. haha

Work is going strong. Not exciting, but the company treats me well. Which i like.

I'm pretty frustrated with the state of my life. I feel so dependent on Stacey because I live in her house. I can't eat when I want, or watch tv when I want, or even come and go when I want. I can't stay up late if I want, because she yells. I'm sick of drinking. I'm sick of eating the garbage she cooks. I haven't had fresh vegetables in forever. I crave salad.

I also miss Jackie.

I miss being able to leave. I'm too independant. And the writing is on the wall that Ben will be all moved in pretty soon. And I can't do it. It's way too many people in that house. TOO MANY.

I do love Oceanna and JJ though. They are such good kids.

Get me out
I want to move so badly. I'm so tired of living there. I realize it's a choice I made, and I should be grateful to have a friend that would take me in (even though I'm paying a lot of money for a tiny room)

I just feel like I"m not myself. I have no independence, but at the same time I'm not really part of the family.

I went for a walk on Wednesday night. Walked up to the high school where Kyle's daughter has soccer practice. It was crazy-cold but I enjoyed spending some unexpected time with him. We didn't do anything noteworthy, but we walked and talked and watched them have a scrimmage. I really enjoyed it. On my walk home the love songs made me think of him, and I just feel good. I still think this could really go somewhere special.

Not one single day goes by that we don't talk to each other. And even when I was an idiot and spazzed out on him, he's never brought it up again. He's never used it against me, he's never made me feel less because I have feelings. And I really like that about him. I like his even keel. He's a little quiet about his feelings, unless he's been drinking haha. But it's ok, because I know how he feels by his actions. To be told "I don't introduce anyone to my daughter until after 6 months" and then to meet her after just 3, I feel pretty special. And to have met his parents. Now....to just introduce him to my family...

This new job is so boring. I literally leave voicemails all day long. What the F was I thinking????? UGH. I don't want to go back to anything I've done before, but this isn't anything like what they described it to be :(

Hang in there michelle. Don't give up!

New things, so many new things.

Where to start. The living situation? Living in a tiny little bedroom sucks. It really fucking sucks.

Kyle? Kyle is great! I met his daughter a few weeks ago, and his parents this weekend and I'm really just loving spending time with him. He made dinner on Sunday for his parents and I and it was DELICIOUS! He can cook for me anytime haha. We went out on friday and had so much fun. I can't wait to see where this goes. It's been since the beginning of September, and going so well that I'm hoping it keeps heading in that direction. I like him more everytime I see him. Every single time I like him more. It's a great feeling!

New job is one week old. It's boring, but the pay is good. Fuck the bux. haha. That's another story, that wounded me deeply and I don't want to really put any more life into it. I'll just say that my dreams of a long lived career at starbucks are finally crushed. Finished. That relationship is over.

So here I am at datasphere. The position is boring, but it's a company with opportunity, and the pay is much better.

I am meeting with a woman tomorrow to be a part time after school nanny for her daughter (8) I'm actually really excited about this! It could be the extra bump in income and something to keep me busy that I've been looking for. I need this.

I worked at target for all of two weeks. I will never make a mistake like that again. I'm out of retail, another relationship that's over haha.

Longest 4 hours....the systems are down at DS and I have absolutely nothing to do. Literally nothing.

I really am excited about the changes that have happened in the last few weeks. I think things are on a good path, finally.

Some go up, some go down.
Yesterday was a rollercoaster of a day. I drank caffienated coffee and it gave me crazy anxiety.

After waiting forever I finally heard back from Starbucks, and I got the job in their accounts payable department. I have never been so happy and FUCKING nervous in my entire life. It just seems too good to be true. THat I finally made it in. After all of they years of trying to make it happen, it finally happened, and almost effortlessly.

What a great weekend
Thursday evening I drove up to Everett to see Travis and stayed the night over there. We had fun, and talked a lot. It's still so odd to sleep in his bed. Getting used to new noises.

Of course we stayed up until like 2a.m. and I had to leave around 5:30 to miss traffic coming back home. But I was back by 6, and took a nap. But I was still a wreck all day.

I was supposed to have a date with this guy Kevin on Friday, but I stood him up. His pictures, he looks so much like John, I just couldn't do it. What I first found very attractive, started to creep me out. So after work on Friday I ended up meeting AB and her friend Danielle at yard house. They'd been drinking since 2 haha and I didn't get there until 5:30. We had beer, and shots and then Danielle had to leave around 8 because she worked in the morning. AB and I were walking her to the bus, and we walked right past Ally's new place. I texted her, and sure enough she was home! So AB and I went up on her rooftop deck, and got totally jealous of her new apartment with it's amazing view of the city!

Around 10:30-11 ish we decided it was time to head home. I rode the bus with her up to Lynnwood, and we kept drinking and talking until like 1:30. We have so much fun just sitting and BSing. Of course Stacey got mad at us, but I'm not really sure that much can be done about that.

We woke up and played some MarioKart with Oceanna, which was fun. Then I rode the bus home, all to turn around and ride the bus back to Queen Anne for Kristin's bachelorette party. IT WAS SO FUN. We went to dinner at Crow, which was delish! Then to the piano bar where we had drinks, and there was this incredibly attractive piano player that every girl in the bar was in love with haha. Then we went to Ozzie's, which was a trip because I haven't been there since I was there with John. UGH! It was fun though, we played pull tabs, watched a little karaoke. Then we had some dick's and went back to the hotel room to pass out. It was awesome because it was fun, but not crazy. No drunk-black-outs. No drama, no need to worry about anyone. It was super easy, and we made it back to the hotel by like 12:30. Kristin and I woke up and had the disgusting continental breakfast, and I rode the bus back home.

Now I"m just sitting here while grandma works on packing up some books in the little bedroom. It's kind of funny that she doesn't think everything in there is hers. LIke I"m trying to pull one over on her, and it's really mine. haha

I talked to Troy on the phone, and he has his tax return, so we are all set to start looking for a place as soon as I get back up north. I know grandma doesn't want me to leave, but I have to get out of here. I'm suffocating.

So much to say
I'm sleeping with this new guy, Travis. I like him. I really like him, but he's bad. Not in a bad guy kind of way, just in a lot of baggage, not emotionally available, baby momma kind of way. haha

He's been sober for 10 months, which I find very attractive. I need to date another alcoholic like I need a hole in the head, but he's in recovery. That's fantastic. I like it because it influences me to not drink. And I don't miss it when I'm around him. He is very sweet, and fun to be around. We have lively conversations, and he is incredibly funny.
The red flags (don't worry i'm not expecting anything to come of this relationship except for sex and friendship)
-He has a 2 and a half year old with his ex-girlfriend. That's not a big deal. The big deal is that they still live in the same house, so that their son doesn't have to go "back and forth". ummmm....that's all fine and dandy but sounds like you're still in a relationship without the sex.
-Their relationship was open. While some people may be great with that, and actually enjoy it, it isn't for me at this point in my life. Maybe someday down the road my thoughts on this might change, but I doubt it. I was honest and said I don't share. I don't think I can ever do an open relationship. He knows how I feel. I know how he feels. I feel like if we were to ever try to be more than friends this item alone would cause a lot of issues.

I realize there are only 2 red flags, but they are HUGE. haha.

He is kind of like jamie was. Fills the need to have sex with someone funny and attractive, but I have no intention of ever being anything more than that.

I have a date with a guy named Kevin tomorrow. Hes tall, and handsome. Handsome, and has a strong resemblance to John. I asked Kristin what to do...she said just date him. So...here I go!

I'm so excited Kristin's wedding is only 4 weeks away! Hawaii here I come! I think mom is more excited than I am. Of course she's been waiting 50 years to go to Hawaii. She has already planned out when we need to leave to get to the airport on time. She is too funny.

So a couple months ago grandma told me she's selling the house. I understand completely. It's a financial burden. I am not interested in buying it, nor can I afford it. So I found a place to go. I called her yesterday to tell I can move out august 1st. She sounded shocked, and unsure of what to do. I hate to leave the house with no one to take care of it, but I also can't just sit and wait and wait and wait and never know when I'm going to have to leave. I"m ready to get out of the south end. I want to leave this chapter behind. Everything has reminders of John, and it makes me crazy! I mean fucking crazy. So I think August 1, I will rent a room in Stacey's house. How fun will it be to live with 2 of my best friends for a few months until Troy gets it together enough to be ready to move out.

John texted me at 3 a.m. a week ago. It simply said "u there". It woke me up. I was pissed. I did not respond. I deleted it. For about 3 seconds I thought about responding, but it would have just been something nasty. I'd rather just let him think I"m a bitch, than actually be one. I'm just so over all of his bullshit. The last time I saw him he looked terrible. He'd been doing coke for days, weeks maybe. I told him it was the last time we'd ever hang out. That was March 31, and I haven't missed him a day since. I'm pretty sure he's going to kill himself from drugs and alcohol. His girlfriend can fix that problem for him.

My birthday was great. Brandy, angela, AB, Stacey, Jackie, Ben, Keeyoun, Chris and Ally came out to the brave horse. We had drinks and dinner. Then we went out to a couple other bars and of course I was pretty drunk. Then AB and Stacey threw me a little birthday dinner/party that was so much fun! AB gave me a super cute Coach clutch, she is so sweet! Kristin took me out to the drunken easel, where we painted cheezy pictures and drank wine, it was awesome! I have great friends!!! They really are the family that I chose for myself.

I'm on day 4 of the whole 30. So far I'm loving it. IT's not the easiest thing. Especially today when I went to the grocery store, and can't really buy much except meat and vegetables. but I think about how good I feel, and how I don't feel bad after I eat, and it's completely worth it. Thinking about how I was so healthy a few years ago, and I ate this way then, is great motivation to keep going!

I feel like I"m in a good place in my life. I can't really complain about much. Except money. But what's new there? My student loans are rediculous. My car payment is crazy, why I thought I could do it I don't know. Now I have to start paying rent? Ugh. But I'm a big kid. I got myself into this mess, and by my own will I will get out of it. I'm looking for a job. I have the luxury of having a decent job that pays the bills, so I don't have to be in a hurry. I can look for a job that I want to stick with for awhile. But as long as I'm not sleeping on the street, like the people I so callously walk by every single day, I think my life is pretty great.

I appliied just now to WSU online. I want to finish my degree. OK, not the hospitality degree, but an accounting degree. I WILL DO THIS. I also completed a FAFSA. I WILL DO THIS. It bothers me almost every day that I am thisclose and didn't do it. I WILL DO THIS.

(no subject)
My life is so much different than I would have ever imagined it would be right now.

But how can i even say that when I could never imagine this far in the future. Maybe that's why I'm single, and lonely, and independent, and poor, and bored with life. Because I never had a dream to work for.

All the people I know, had an idea of what they wanted. And they have it. Or they are on their way.

I just thought life happened. I didn't understand you have to get what you want. Who the fuck is just going to hand you amazing things? No ONE Michelle, NO ONE.

Do the work. Put in the effort. Get the life you want.


Log in

No account? Create an account